I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
