I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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