Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
