I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
