that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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