i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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