note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
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this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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