I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
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i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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