A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
