i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
