dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
