LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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