ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
