im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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