i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
