can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
