If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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