i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
