no, he came in my armpit
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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