I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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