i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
