im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
