Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
