I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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