the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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