Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
