I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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