So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
