Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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