she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
