just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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