It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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