You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
