she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
