Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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