people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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