Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
