I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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