The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
