i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
