wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
