Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
