You made me cry and you don't even care
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
