Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
