there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
