Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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