it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
