do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
