ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
