Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
