broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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