And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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