I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
