im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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