Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
